There's You...

We are all weak and in so much pain - it's impossible to leave behind.
There's so much beauty in the broken, but it's so fucking hard to find.

When you fall for someone,  it's for all the details.  Things you could never expect suddenly take precedent.  I don't believe in lovey dovey, I didn't believe in love at all.  I'm incapable, and it doesn't exist.  But evidently, it wasn't me who was incapable, it was the world that couldn't match it; it does exist because I feel it now.  I have you, who moved mountains in hours, not days.  You who made me fall in days, not months.  You who made everything melt.

And it's for the details that I can't stay away.  For in you, I find compassion and passion, empathy and expectation.  Your eyes, your smile, the way you lift me and protect me from the world.  Your hopes, your dreams, the stories you tell me every night.  Your openness, your honesty, your vigilance to not let history repeat itself.  Your kindness, your patience, the shelter you provide when no one else does.  Your confidence, your prudence, how hard you work to make tomorrow feasible.  Your maturity, your youth, the way your voice trembles when you're afraid to admit the truth.  Your eagerness, your disbelief, the way you tell me you love me.  I can't stop telling you, I could never stop.

I may not know where you came from, or how I got so lucky, but I know 30 years from now where you will be.  Living simply, loving purely, with a girl to fill in the gaps of past, present and future.

...And Then There's Me

I stood in the storm for years and told myself I didn't mind.
I closed my purple eyes and left every dream of mine behind.

I'm scared, I'm fucking scared. My everything is full of doubt. My family, my friends, nothing is unconditional.  Even love is a temporary contract.  The things I want most I have no confidence in. They say I'm not alone but I feel that I am, I know I am.  I was dealt a hand I didn't understand.  So I ache, I agonize and I'm silent in my ways.  I give up, I decorate my own soul in defeat instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers.

Then you whispered, not into my ear, but into my heart.  And then you kissed me, not on my lips, but my soul.  Suddenly the ground shook and in you, I found it.

When I'm with you, it's different.  I feel strong and capable. I know who I am and that person is worth happiness.  I walk beside you and I have everything I need, everything I want.  Air in my lungs, love in my eyes, a future I never thought possible.  You yourself are unconditional, priceless.  And you move me in a delicate manner, to be better, to work harder, to do with hope what I've done for years. To live, not just endure. 

You set me free.  Like the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.  There are no words, I am so utterly grateful.

Everything that's Shiny isn't Gold

Dear Ben Covington,

I keep thinking that we'll meet again. 
Somewhere in the middle, we'll find each other again. 
But we haven't yet. 
We may never. 
Goodbye again.


Love,
Ashkhen

Between the Shadow and the Soul

You told me once that you don't want to change for anyone, that you want a girl to love you for you.  Don't you already have that?  Don't you see?

I've never been in this situation.  Never felt so tongue tied.  I'm a writer with no words.  Even here, now, I don't know how to explain.  I act like it's no big deal but inside my heart is aching.

I just have one question.  

If I'm willing to do everything in the world to make you happy, why can't you do the same for me?

I'm a Mess, I Confess

Let no love fall victim to circumstance.  Love is this, love is that.  Ya ya ya.  Love is hopelessly hoping.  

My worst crime was thinking you could save me.  You speak too little, I speak too much.  I keep telling myself that the next time I play the field, I'm taking home a writer, a rich one, a smart one.  I'm tired of buying used and spending my life trying to rebuild.  Next time I'll do better.  But really, I know it's a lie.  I just want someone to love me like crazy.

I should be studying right now.  I should be planning my future.  Instead I'm in my bed thinking of you.  All I can think is that if today was my last day, I wouldn't do what I'm doing today.

You love me with all that you have.  You can't hide it.  But even the best you have to give doesn't match what I have to offer.  Your eyes glance down my neck and you touch the necklace you put there.  You're so proud of yourself.  I've sacrificed so much for this moment.  And I give you everything I have.  I continue to make so many fucking sacrifices but I never even mention these things.  Do you see the irony too?

I'm happy outside.  I'm happy inside.  I'm happy deep inside.  Deep deep deep inside?  I'm doomed.

All You Had to Do Was Call

You always have something to say, some smartass bullshit to add.  How about now?  Why aren't you talking? You fucking coward.

I can't sleep anymore.  The insomnia kicks in when I need rest the most.  So I play it back over and over and over again.  I drove an hour to see you and I came with gifts.  It took me 2 hours to get ready to see you, unshaven with dirty sheets.  But I didn't care, I was so fucking happy to see you.  And then I drove half a block from your house and cried for an hour.  They were coming down so hard, I couldn't see.  You didn't come to my rescue.  You didn't hold me tight in your embrace.  You didn't call.  Not the first time.  Just because 'you don't want to talk about it' doesn't mean I've forgotten.  That I could ever forget.  Then and now.

Every moment, every inch we've ever shared.  Was it worth it?  Are you happy now?  My hate grows with every second of silence.  I regret meeting you, choosing you, falling for you.  I want to throw away everything you have given me, everything you have poisoned with your touch.  I'd rather mourn my loss than be your slave.  I'm still crying but I'm not coming back.

One day you'll find those tiny balls of yours and call me back, you will.  And I won't be there to answer.

I Wink to Bring You Near, I Wink to Hide the Tears

Every day we play a game.  I move forward, you step back.  I want to forfeit.  Stop and fast forward to the next scene.  Where's the remote?  Who has the control?

I grew up to my parents hating each other.  Screaming for weeks until the police showed up.  I swore I'd never let myself turn into that.  Never become dependent.  I have and I haven't.  My eyes are open, my heart is free.  I'm broken but I'm still breathing.  I've got a talent for choosing the people who are worst for me.  Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me where I've gone wrong.

Tell me, does your ass get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?  If only our tongues were made of glass, would you be so careless with your words?  And you can say 'sorry' or 'I love you' a thousand times, but if you can't show it, then your words don't mean a fucking thing.  I don't need magic to disappear when your words make me feel invisible.  And holding onto you any longer only makes me sick.

I have good days and fucking bad one.  Call me T-Rex, I roar and soar.  High and mighty but tomorrow I'll be gone.  I want to be gone.  I want to vanish. 

You don't own me.  No one does.  Back to square one.

Every Man Casts a Shadow

All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality, the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape. -Arthur Christopher Benson

I am passion.  I am fire.  I give everything away.  Craziness is my heaven.  I don't hold back.  Not then, not now.  Wholeheartedly, I am yours.

But every day you lose me more and more and more.  You let me down, you find a new way to do so daily.  I'm not perfect but perfect is what I seek.  For affection and simplicity.  I don't want to change you.  I know that I can't stop the waves.  But when you break me like this, I want to bottle you up and ship you away.  I may be anchored in your love but I am still the captain of this ship.  I want to take the pieces you've broken and give them away for someone else to fix.  The more I try to be happy, the more I suffer.

When my mind wanders, it wanders to you.  You make me happy and sad together.  But in the end, I'm afraid that I want more than you can give.

None of it Matters, But it Does

I wish my hand fit into yours like it once used to.  I still don't know how to move forward or get out of bed without thinking of you, missing you.  I whisper secrets you will never know because I'm still waiting to be saved.  You think I'm strong but it's a lie, I'm small and weak.  There you go.

I realize that I'm holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore.  That the person I love, I want, I miss doesn't exist anymore.  People change.  The things we like and dislike change.  And we can wish they wouldn't all day long, but it doesn't work that way. 

All great things are preceded by chaos, right?  Wrong.  Every goddamn day is chaos.  Life is divine chaos.  And you of all people should know that silence is a girl's loudest cry. You never heard me, not once.  You've been so wrapped up in you, you've forgotten.  And now it's over.  I was crazy for you but your eyes weren't open.

I've changed too you know.  I believe in love, lust, sex and romance, not one at a time, but all at once.  I don't want it all to add up to the perfect equation anymore - perfect doesn't exist.  No no no. I want mess and chaos.  I want someone to go crazy out of their fucking mind for me, every day.  I want to experience passion and heat and madness.  I want just you and I, just sheets and us.  I want it all.

Speak the truth or lie and cheat.  I've made my decision and I'm starting over.

When Every Person in This World is a Drizzle, You're a Hurricane

I want to bury myself in your arms, your shoulders, your warmth.  I want to hear you say that everything will be fine.  I want you to hold me and whisper that we'll find a way to be together.  If it's important to you, you'll find a fucking way.  And in this perfect world, I'll turn to you and confess that when I dream, I dream of you.  You are different and that's what makes you beautiful.  I don't want to walk alone, just to prove to you that I can.  I don't want to lose the moon while counting the stars, and right now, looking into your eyes is my escape from the world.

The truth is darling that when you want something that you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before. One day you may lose me but you will never lose my love. I will protect you and hold your hand until the end of your days. For this love is stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing, nothing could exhaust it. 

I keep myself busy

With the worthless shit I do.

But every time I pause,

I will always think of you.

If you want to fly, you have to sacrifice the things that hold you down. 

At the Touch of Love, Everyone Becomes a Poet

If you want to be sure of keeping your heart intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal.  Lock it up safely in the casket of your selfishness. And in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will not change, it will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the dangers of love is in hell.
— C.S. Lewis

I come home to wrap my wounds and hide my lacerations.  You abuse my kindness and corrupt my affection, my generosity.  But it's my fault, not yours.  And days like these I want to erase every tender word I've ever written about you.  I want to withdraw every warm feeling I've felt and every inch I've shared with you.  When did you become the poison on the fruit of my trees?  I want to hurt you like you've hurt me, time and time again.

When I catch a glimpse into your eyes, it feels so familiar to me,
But our minds are like strangers, ships passing in the sea.
Goddamn maybe a broken heart isn’t worth mending,
Maybe this beginning is really our ending.

You knew to always keep your distance, and no you're not to blame,

but me, I'm stupid, I knew I should have done the same.  

Weeds are Flowers Too, Once You Get to Know Them

I love how wide your eyes get when I tickle you, the way you cringe when I'm driving, the way you want to hold me forever and ever.  I love how you actually read what I write and I love how you call me at 2AM to purposely wake me up because you know I'd rather talk to you than anything else in the world.

Today was amazing, but that shouldn't surprise you.  Every time we are together, I find more things about you I love.  A few nights ago, I saw for the first time vulnerability in your eyes.  Today I heard it in your voice.  I want you to know that I'm vulnerable too.  And I'm doing my best to not hurt you, not ever.

I want you to know one more thing, but I don't want to tell you, 

So I'm going to let the first 3 words of this explain it to you.  

And if there's ever a day when we can't be together, 

Keep me in your heart, your soul, and I'll stay there forever.

A Voice of Gold and Lips of Coral Red

When I catch a glimpse of you across the room, 

I have to remind myself to breath.

When I look into your stunning eyes,

I can hear you say "come sail, sail away with me."

Goddamn I don't know what I've gotten myself into.  I don't know if I should continue on this path or turn back.  It's so scary starting over, taking such a huge risk.  And I can't help but ask, would you do the same for me?  Would you bend over backwards and give up a part of yourself for me? If I gave up the most important, meaningful thing in my life, would you give up yours too? Of course not.

I ask for so little from you.  But if I make this ultimate sacrifice for you, only to walk away with my heart broken and shattered and crushed, then what?  You would leave without a scratch and I may never wake from the coma.

I'm scared.  I'm fucking terrified.  Can you blame me?  I don't know who I am anymore.  Me, you, us, it's oblivion.  It's mystery across the sea.  We can sail away to a whole new world, but our ship has no captain you see?

Reason #78 Why I Love You

You bring out the best in me.  The part that wants to grow up and take you away from this world.  To rid you of every pain and make all your dreams come true.  I want to promise you the moon, the world, the stars.  

It's no secret: when I am with you, I'm the happiest I've ever been.  I seldom write about love, yet here I am.  Utterly engulfed in thoughts of our imperfect fairytale.  I can't deny it.  I can't make it go away.  If I believed in God, I'd pray for strength.

When I look at you from afar and our eyes meet, I see that you are happy too.  Happier than you've been in a long time.  And no matter how crazy I drive you, your heart melts for me.

You always ask me why I love you so much.  All I want to do is smile and tap your nose.  What a silly question!  What is there not to love?  When every detail, every inch of you is iridescent.

Drapetomania: An Overwhelming Urge to Run Away

I sit here now and map the pros and cons.  I don't know what I want, but I know that something is missing.  I can fucking feel it.

And I feel that I can't stop thinking about you.  I don't know why.  I don't get it.  But you are all I want - today, tomorrow, forever.  When I look at you, my soul thinks "oh there you are, I've been looking for you."  You have no idea what you mean to me.  And I'm scared because there's only one of you and one of me.

Alas, I can't have my cake and eat it too.  I can't bask in the comfort of security, while I secretly swim in freedom.  I'm an adult, aren't I?  And a grown woman should be able to make these sorts of big girl decisions. 

I've always been a risk-taker.  I've always been the one to lead - to wink in confidence and take initiative.  Always.  My heart says we should give it a try.  After all, sometimes the wrong decisions bring us to the right places. So why not, what's stopping me?  Want to know why?  Because you haven't asked me to.  Not once.  Why the fuck not?

You could have me, but you're a coward. 

If Chaos was the Only Alternative

It kills me that you're hurting.  I wish I could do something to change that.  I wish you gave me a chance.  I've been in so many dark situations.  I've been in your shoes and I know what it feels like to be absolutely broken.  I've crumbled and put together the pieces more times than I can count.  Goddamn, I have so many secrets no one knows about, so many nights I wanted to drive into a wall and end it all.  How does the song go?  Ya my life's a bitch, but you know nothing 'bout her.  

But this isn't about me.  Don't get me wrong, I love you the way you are, I do.  But there are things I wish I could change.  Not many, but not few.  Things you may not even notice.  

I wish you didn't fall into silence when our best efforts no longer seem to accomplish a thing.  I can stand almost anything - everything but the quiet - for I can't help but blame those who cower to the cage of silence, even if chaos was the only alternative.  And while spiteful words may break your spirit, silence will always shatter my heart.  I wish you weren't so selfish - that for one second of your life, I was more than an afterthought, a stressful inconvenience.  And I wish you didn't give me false hope, only to leave me crushed in sorrow.  Time and time again.  Black and blue in nine different places. Parched in a desert of ignorance and despair.

I could change your life, and you could change mine.

Maybe yes.

Probably no.

For better or for worse?

It's up to you.

Two Wheels Move the Soul

I'm a firm believer that the second you get your hopes up, for a better future and new life, nothing works out.  I've become an expert on the topic.  The more you want something, the more faith you put into it, the more likely you'll be disappointed. And you're no exception.

Because you, you did it, you broke my heart into a shimmering web of silver tears.  God I can't remember the last time I've felt so crushed,  so stupid and insignificant.  I can't remember the last time I've felt so alone and punished with silence.  I may be wild and fearless but inside I'm so fragile.  My bones are brittle and my heart, my heart can't withstand it. 

But thunder clouds don't always give rain.  And the things we fear most have already happened to us my love.  I am just as much to blame and I'm sorry for all I've done.    I'll shut up, I won't push my luck.  I won't guilt you or point fingers.  I don't care about any of the bullshit, I refuse to look back.

If I could be in your arms now, I'd be the happiest fool in the world.  I would spend all night talking to you, pouring my pathetic little heart out to you.  Every night has it's secrets, and tonight is no exception my love. 

I have so much to tell you.  How every time I'm in the mood to write, I only write about you.  How I've written over a dozen hidden posts just about you. Do you know that I dream of you now? Almost every night.  Even then I'm thinking of you my love.  Of us.  Playing back a broken record of what ifs.  It feels like years since I've last been in your arms, but it's real in my dreams.  And if I wake up smiling, I know it's thanks to you.

I've made every exception to every rule for you.  I have.

Friendship Set on Fire

The more I think of you, of us, my eyes start to hurt.  I've kept it a secret, taming my heart and soul of this indescribable thing I feel.  I'm such a fool.  Every moment I spend with you brings something new into my heart, a new flame to blow out. You don't realize it but you are more profitable than silver, more precious than rubies, more valuable to me than gold.  Quietly in the dark of my dreams, I think of you and become lost.  I'm waiting for thunder to capsize this basket of endless thoughts, tossing upon the waves.  I'm secretly waiting, collecting anything real to quench my thirst.  

I want to end this.  I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but today I can't think straight.  I can't concentrate and I can't let you go for a second.  I miss you, I miss you, I fucking miss you. I feel as though I might go insane with this weight on my shoulders.  My heart hurts and I no longer want to compare this love for you.  

Instead I'll feed the birds with the words I've left to say, 

expecting the wind to fly them back, back to May.

You taunt me with your conquests, like with a loaded gun
and I can't help but question, which one of us has won.

O'Lord give me something new to say; wipe this guilty pain away.
O'Lord give me something new to sing; something new worth hoping in.

You Make My Dopamine Levels Silly

I wanted to be a doctor since I was 9 years old. My first love. My soul, my every breath. But as all young lovers do, I lost track.  Somehow I created this fictitious idea of what it meant to be a doctor.  Helping people, saving lives, dedicating every minute to some greater purpose. I put everything on a pedestal. But I've grown up now and our paths have parted.  Things were going great until these last 2 years.  But once it began, it couldn't be stopped. The past few months have been agonizing and my heart has been broken.  Everything has changed - my outlook, my beliefs.  This whole doctor infatuation I've nestled myself into has been based on bullshit, pure fucking bullshit.  I'm confessing, I won't hide it anymore.  And I don't give a shit what anyone else wants to argue, but it's the goddamn truth.  I'm here now and I know what it is I'm talking about.  Being a PreMed student is possibly one of the most God awful things in the world.  The professors, the atmosphere, the weeding out, the unrealistic expectations. 

I've been looking for a way out for some time now, looking left and right at all the other options.  And now that our relationship is over, I can freely glance and flirt without the burn of guilt.  No more secrets, no more lonely nights, no more tears, no more fake happiness or false hope. No more lies.  

It's taken a lot to stop denying the inevitable end and finally bear these words, to end it before it consumed me.  A decade of my life feels lost.  And I've only started to break it to my family. God it kills me to see them squint in disappointment, I can't stand the disappointment.  Don't look at me with those eyes of judgement, for one day, I swear this flower will blossom.  I whisper it like a lullaby.

I'm not ready for new love yet, but I will be.  I'm going to figure out what it is I want to do with myself, I promise.  I want to get over my first love, my biggest heartbreak, and move on.  See the rainbow after the storm.  I just want to heal now, go a single day without grieving.  

No more writing about it. No more moping or hiding away.  That's it, I'm done with this chapter.  The end.

It's My Own Cheating Heart that Makes Me Cry

It began in May.  And pretty soon, I lost myself completely. I thought I knew who I was, what I stood for - pride and reputation.  I told myself that I would do everything to make the right decisions the first time around. And in just these past few months, it all went to shit.  I lost it all, everything.  Goddamn I feel so low and worthless.  I went halfway across the country and planted roots about this wonderful future I had planned out.  It's not easy, but I manage, I told everyone.  But they have no fucking clue that a part of me has already given up on myself.  I've felt the kiss of death and taken my walk of shame - in secret and silence.  

I am ashamed of this woman I've become, this little girl who runs away.  I cheated on my future, I cheated on myself.  I let myself down in a way I never thought possible.  Today I own up to my faults, no more lies lies lies.  I want to get back on the path I was on since I was 7 years old.  Rebuild what I have lost. But it's too late now, and a big part of me doesn't want to look back. I've made my decision and I'm not taking it back.  I accept it.  At least now I have this angel on my shoulder and a smile on my face.  

The day will come when I'll have to pay my debts.  But today I close my eyes and try to escape...