Saturday, November 17, 2012

There's You...

We are all weak and in so much pain - it's impossible to leave behind.
There's so much beauty in the broken, but it's so fucking hard to find.

When you fall for someone,  it's for all the details.  Things you could never expect suddenly take precedent.  I don't believe in lovey dovey, I didn't believe in love at all.  I'm incapable, and it doesn't exist.  But evidently, it wasn't me who was incapable, it was the world that couldn't match it; it does exist because I feel it now.  I have you, who moved mountains in hours, not days.  You who made me fall in days, not months.  You who made everything melt.

And it's for the details that I can't stay away.  For in you, I find compassion and passion, empathy and expectation.  Your eyes, your smile, the way you lift me and protect me from the world.  Your hopes, your dreams, the stories you tell me every night.  Your openness, your honesty, your vigilance to not let history repeat itself.  Your kindness, your patience, the shelter you provide when no one else does.  Your confidence, your prudence, how hard you work to make tomorrow feasible.  Your maturity, your youth, the way your voice trembles when you're afraid to admit the truth.  Your eagerness, your disbelief, the way you tell me you love me.  I can't stop telling you, I could never stop.

I may not know where you came from, or how I got so lucky, but I know 30 years from now where you will be.  Living simply, loving purely, with a girl to fill in the gaps of past, present and future.

...And Then There's Me

I stood in the storm for years and told myself I didn't mind.
I closed my purple eyes and left every dream of mine behind.

I'm scared, I'm fucking scared. My everything is full of doubt. My family, my friends, nothing is unconditional.  Even love is a temporary contract.  The things I want most I have no confidence in. They say I'm not alone but I feel that I am, I know I am.  I was dealt a hand I didn't understand.  So I ache, I agonize and I'm silent in my ways.  I give up, I decorate my own soul in defeat instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers.

Then you whispered, not into my ear, but into my heart.  And then you kissed me, not on my lips, but my soul.  Suddenly the ground shook and in you, I found it.

When I'm with you, it's different.  I feel strong and capable. I know who I am and that person is worth happiness.  I walk beside you and I have everything I need, everything I want.  Air in my lungs, love in my eyes, a future I never thought possible.  You yourself are unconditional, priceless.  And you move me in a delicate manner, to be better, to work harder, to do with hope what I've done for years. To live, not just endure. 

You set me free.  Like the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.  There are no words, I am so utterly grateful.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Everything that's Shiny isn't Gold

Dear Ben Covington,

I keep thinking that we'll meet again. 
Somewhere in the middle, we'll find each other again. 
But we haven't yet. 
We may never. 
Goodbye again.



Friday, June 8, 2012

Between the Shadow and the Soul

You told me once that you don't want to change for anyone, that you want a girl to love you for you.  Don't you already have that?  Don't you see?

I've never been in this situation.  Never felt so tongue tied.  I'm a writer with no words.  Even here, now, I don't know how to explain.  I act like it's no big deal but inside my heart is aching.

I just have one question.  

If I'm willing to do everything in the world to make you happy, why can't you do the same for me?

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

I'm a Mess, I Confess

Let no love fall victim to circumstance.  Love is this, love is that.  Ya ya ya.  Love is hopelessly hoping.  

My worst crime was thinking you could save me.  You speak too little, I speak too much.  I keep telling myself that the next time I play the field, I'm taking home a writer, a rich one, a smart one.  I'm tired of buying used and spending my life trying to rebuild.  Next time I'll do better.  But really, I know it's a lie.  I just want someone to love me like crazy.

I should be studying right now.  I should be planning my future.  Instead I'm in my bed thinking of you.  All I can think is that if today was my last day, I wouldn't do what I'm doing today.

You love me with all that you have.  You can't hide it.  But even the best you have to give doesn't match what I have to offer.  Your eyes glance down my neck and you touch the necklace you put there.  You're so proud of yourself.  I've sacrificed so much for this moment.  And I give you everything I have.  I continue to make so many fucking sacrifices but I never even mention these things.  Do you see the irony too?

I'm happy outside.  I'm happy inside.  I'm happy deep inside.  Deep deep deep inside?  I'm doomed.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

All You Had to Do Was Call

You always have something to say, some smartass bullshit to add.  How about now?  Why aren't you talking? You fucking coward.

I can't sleep anymore.  The insomnia kicks in when I need rest the most.  So I play it back over and over and over again.  I drove an hour to see you and I came with gifts.  It took me 2 hours to get ready to see you, unshaven with dirty sheets.  But I didn't care, I was so fucking happy to see you.  And then I drove half a block from your house and cried for an hour.  They were coming down so hard, I couldn't see.  You didn't come to my rescue.  You didn't hold me tight in your embrace.  You didn't call.  Not the first time.  Just because 'you don't want to talk about it' doesn't mean I've forgotten.  That I could ever forget.  Then and now.

Every moment, every inch we've ever shared.  Was it worth it?  Are you happy now?  My hate grows with every second of silence.  I regret meeting you, choosing you, falling for you.  I want to throw away everything you have given me, everything you have poisoned with your touch.  I'd rather mourn my loss than be your slave.  I'm still crying but I'm not coming back.

One day you'll find those tiny balls of yours and call me back, you will.  And I won't be there to answer.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

I Wink to Bring You Near, I Wink to Hide the Tears

Every day we play a game.  I move forward, you step back.  I want to forfeit.  Stop and fast forward to the next scene.  Where's the remote?  Who has the control?

I grew up to my parents hating each other.  Screaming for weeks until the police showed up.  I swore I'd never let myself turn into that.  Never become dependent.  I have and I haven't.  My eyes are open, my heart is free.  I'm broken but I'm still breathing.  I've got a talent for choosing the people who are worst for me.  Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me where I've gone wrong.

Tell me, does your ass get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?  If only our tongues were made of glass, would you be so careless with your words?  And you can say 'sorry' or 'I love you' a thousand times, but if you can't show it, then your words don't mean a fucking thing.  I don't need magic to disappear when your words make me feel invisible.  And holding onto you any longer only makes me sick.

I have good days and fucking bad one.  Call me T-Rex, I roar and soar.  High and mighty but tomorrow I'll be gone.  I want to be gone.  I want to vanish. 

You don't own me.  No one does.  Back to square one.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Every Man Casts a Shadow

All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality, the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape. -Arthur Christopher Benson

I am passion.  I am fire.  I give everything away.  Craziness is my heaven.  I don't hold back.  Not then, not now.  Wholeheartedly, I am yours.

But every day you lose me more and more and more.  You let me down, you find a new way to do so daily.  I'm not perfect but perfect is what I seek.  For affection and simplicity.  I don't want to change you.  I know that I can't stop the waves.  But when you break me like this, I want to bottle you up and ship you away.  I may be anchored in your love but I am still the captain of this ship.  I want to take the pieces you've broken and give them away for someone else to fix.  The more I try to be happy, the more I suffer.

When my mind wanders, it wanders to you.  You make me happy and sad together.  But in the end, I'm afraid that I want more than you can give.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

None of it Matters, But it Does

I wish my hand fit into yours like it once used to.  I still don't know how to move forward or get out of bed without thinking of you, missing you.  I whisper secrets you will never know because I'm still waiting to be saved.  You think I'm strong but it's a lie, I'm small and weak.  There you go.

I realize that I'm holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore.  That the person I love, I want, I miss doesn't exist anymore.  People change.  The things we like and dislike change.  And we can wish they wouldn't all day long, but it doesn't work that way. 

All great things are preceded by chaos, right?  Wrong.  Every goddamn day is chaos.  Life is divine chaos.  And you of all people should know that silence is a girl's loudest cry. You never heard me, not once.  You've been so wrapped up in you, you've forgotten.  And now it's over.  I was crazy for you but your eyes weren't open.

I've changed too you know.  I believe in love, lust, sex and romance, not one at a time, but all at once.  I don't want it all to add up to the perfect equation anymore - perfect doesn't exist.  No no no. I want mess and chaos.  I want someone to go crazy out of their fucking mind for me, every day.  I want to experience passion and heat and madness.  I want just you and I, just sheets and us.  I want it all.

Speak the truth or lie and cheat.  I've made my decision and I'm starting over.