Friday, November 25, 2011

A Voice of Gold and Lips of Coral Red

When I catch a glimpse of you across the room, 
I have to remind myself to breath.
When I look into your stunning eyes,
I can hear you say "come sail, sail away with me."

Goddamn I don't know what I've gotten myself into.  I don't know if I should continue on this path or turn back.  It's so scary starting over, taking such a huge risk.  And I can't help but ask, would you do the same for me?  Would you bend over backwards and give up a part of yourself for me? If I gave up the most important, meaningful thing in my life, would you give up yours too? Of course not.

I ask for so little from you.  But if I make this ultimate sacrifice for you, only to walk away with my heart broken and shattered and crushed, then what?  You would leave without a scratch and I may never wake from the coma.

I'm scared.  I'm fucking terrified.  Can you blame me?  I don't know who I am anymore.  Me, you, us, it's oblivion.  It's mystery across the sea.  We can sail away to a whole new world, but our ship has no captain you see?

Friday, November 18, 2011

Reason #78 Why I Love You

You bring out the best in me.  The part that wants to grow up and take you away from this world.  To rid you of every pain and make all your dreams come true.  I want to promise you the moon, the world, the stars.  

It's no secret: when I am with you, I'm the happiest I've ever been.  I seldom write about love, yet here I am.  Utterly engulfed in thoughts of our imperfect fairytale.  I can't deny it.  I can't make it go away.  If I believed in God, I'd pray for strength.

When I look at you from afar and our eyes meet, I see that you are happy too.  Happier than you've been in a long time.  And no matter how crazy I drive you, your heart melts for me.

You always ask me why I love you so much.  All I want to do is smile and tap your nose.  What a silly question!  What is there not to love?  When every detail, every inch of you is iridescent.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Drapetomania: An Overwhelming Urge to Run Away

I sit here now and map the pros and cons.  I don't know what I want, but I know that something is missing.  I can fucking feel it.

And I feel that I can't stop thinking about you.  I don't know why.  I don't get it.  But you are all I want - today, tomorrow, forever.  When I look at you, my soul thinks "oh there you are, I've been looking for you."  You have no idea what you mean to me.  And I'm scared because there's only one of you and one of me.

Alas, I can't have my cake and eat it too.  I can't bask in the comfort of security, while I secretly swim in freedom.  I'm an adult, aren't I?  And a grown woman should be able to make these sorts of big girl decisions. 

I've always been a risk-taker.  I've always been the one to lead - to wink in confidence and take initiative.  Always.  My heart says we should give it a try.  After all, sometimes the wrong decisions bring us to the right places. So why not, what's stopping me?  Want to know why?  Because you haven't asked me to.  Not once.  Why the fuck not?

You could have me, but you're a coward. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

If Chaos was the Only Alternative

It kills me that you're hurting.  I wish I could do something to change that.  I wish you gave me a chance.  I've been in so many dark situations.  I've been in your shoes and I know what it feels like to be absolutely broken.  I've crumbled and put together the pieces more times than I can count.  Goddamn, I have so many secrets no one knows about, so many nights I wanted to drive into a wall and end it all.  How does the song go?  Ya my life's a bitch, but you know nothing 'bout her.  

But this isn't about me.  Don't get me wrong, I love you the way you are, I do.  But there are things I wish I could change.  Not many, but not few.  Things you may not even notice.  

I wish you didn't fall into silence when our best efforts no longer seem to accomplish a thing.  I can stand almost anything - everything but the quiet - for I can't help but blame those who cower to the cage of silence, even if chaos was the only alternative.  And while spiteful words may break your spirit, silence will always shatter my heart.  I wish you weren't so selfish - that for one second of your life, I was more than an afterthought, a stressful inconvenience.  And I wish you didn't give me false hope, only to leave me crushed in sorrow.  Time and time again.  Black and blue in nine different places. Parched in a desert of ignorance and despair.

I could change your life, and you could change mine.

Maybe yes.
Probably no.
For better or for worse?
It's up to you.