Tuesday, December 27, 2011

When Every Person in This World is a Drizzle, You're a Hurricane

I want to bury myself in your arms, your shoulders, your warmth.  I want to hear you say that everything will be fine.  I want you to hold me and whisper that we'll find a way to be together.  If it's important to you, you'll find a fucking way.  And in this perfect world, I'll turn to you and confess that when I dream, I dream of you.  You are different and that's what makes you beautiful.  I don't want to walk alone, just to prove to you that I can.  I don't want to lose the moon while counting the stars, and right now, looking into your eyes is my escape from the world.

The truth is darling that when you want something that you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before. One day you may lose me but you will never lose my love. I will protect you and hold your hand until the end of your days. For this love is stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing, nothing could exhaust it. 

I keep myself busy
With the worthless shit I do.
But every time I pause,
I will always think of you.

If you want to fly, you have to sacrifice the things that hold you down. 

Sunday, December 18, 2011

At the Touch of Love, Everyone Becomes a Poet

If you want to be sure of keeping your heart intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal.  Lock it up safely in the casket of your selfishness. And in the casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will not change, it will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The only place outside of heaven where you can be perfectly safe from the dangers of love is in hell.
— C.S. Lewis

I come home to wrap my wounds and hide my lacerations.  You abuse my kindness and corrupt my affection, my generosity.  But it's my fault, not yours.  And days like these I want to erase every tender word I've ever written about you.  I want to withdraw every warm feeling I've felt and every inch I've shared with you.  When did you become the poison on the fruit of my trees?  I want to hurt you like you've hurt me, time and time again.

When I catch a glimpse into your eyes, it feels so familiar to me,
But our minds are like strangers, ships passing in the sea.
Goddamn maybe a broken heart isn’t worth mending,
Maybe this beginning is really our ending.

You knew to always keep your distance, and no you're not to blame,
but me, I'm stupid, I knew I should have done the same.  

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Weeds are Flowers Too, Once You Get to Know Them

I love how wide your eyes get when I tickle you, the way you cringe when I'm driving, the way you want to hold me forever and ever.  I love how you actually read what I write and I love how you call me at 2AM to purposely wake me up because you know I'd rather talk to you than anything else in the world.

Today was amazing, but that shouldn't surprise you.  Every time we are together, I find more things about you I love.  A few nights ago, I saw for the first time vulnerability in your eyes.  Today I heard it in your voice.  I want you to know that I'm vulnerable too.  And I'm doing my best to not hurt you, not ever.

I want you to know one more thing, but I don't want to tell you, 
So I'm going to let the first 3 words of this explain it to you.  
And if there's ever a day when we can't be together, 
Keep me in your heart, your soul, and I'll stay there forever.

Friday, November 25, 2011

A Voice of Gold and Lips of Coral Red

When I catch a glimpse of you across the room, 
I have to remind myself to breath.
When I look into your stunning eyes,
I can hear you say "come sail, sail away with me."

Goddamn I don't know what I've gotten myself into.  I don't know if I should continue on this path or turn back.  It's so scary starting over, taking such a huge risk.  And I can't help but ask, would you do the same for me?  Would you bend over backwards and give up a part of yourself for me? If I gave up the most important, meaningful thing in my life, would you give up yours too? Of course not.

I ask for so little from you.  But if I make this ultimate sacrifice for you, only to walk away with my heart broken and shattered and crushed, then what?  You would leave without a scratch and I may never wake from the coma.

I'm scared.  I'm fucking terrified.  Can you blame me?  I don't know who I am anymore.  Me, you, us, it's oblivion.  It's mystery across the sea.  We can sail away to a whole new world, but our ship has no captain you see?

Friday, November 18, 2011

Reason #78 Why I Love You

You bring out the best in me.  The part that wants to grow up and take you away from this world.  To rid you of every pain and make all your dreams come true.  I want to promise you the moon, the world, the stars.  

It's no secret: when I am with you, I'm the happiest I've ever been.  I seldom write about love, yet here I am.  Utterly engulfed in thoughts of our imperfect fairytale.  I can't deny it.  I can't make it go away.  If I believed in God, I'd pray for strength.

When I look at you from afar and our eyes meet, I see that you are happy too.  Happier than you've been in a long time.  And no matter how crazy I drive you, your heart melts for me.

You always ask me why I love you so much.  All I want to do is smile and tap your nose.  What a silly question!  What is there not to love?  When every detail, every inch of you is iridescent.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Drapetomania: An Overwhelming Urge to Run Away

I sit here now and map the pros and cons.  I don't know what I want, but I know that something is missing.  I can fucking feel it.

And I feel that I can't stop thinking about you.  I don't know why.  I don't get it.  But you are all I want - today, tomorrow, forever.  When I look at you, my soul thinks "oh there you are, I've been looking for you."  You have no idea what you mean to me.  And I'm scared because there's only one of you and one of me.

Alas, I can't have my cake and eat it too.  I can't bask in the comfort of security, while I secretly swim in freedom.  I'm an adult, aren't I?  And a grown woman should be able to make these sorts of big girl decisions. 

I've always been a risk-taker.  I've always been the one to lead - to wink in confidence and take initiative.  Always.  My heart says we should give it a try.  After all, sometimes the wrong decisions bring us to the right places. So why not, what's stopping me?  Want to know why?  Because you haven't asked me to.  Not once.  Why the fuck not?

You could have me, but you're a coward. 

Friday, November 4, 2011

If Chaos was the Only Alternative

It kills me that you're hurting.  I wish I could do something to change that.  I wish you gave me a chance.  I've been in so many dark situations.  I've been in your shoes and I know what it feels like to be absolutely broken.  I've crumbled and put together the pieces more times than I can count.  Goddamn, I have so many secrets no one knows about, so many nights I wanted to drive into a wall and end it all.  How does the song go?  Ya my life's a bitch, but you know nothing 'bout her.  

But this isn't about me.  Don't get me wrong, I love you the way you are, I do.  But there are things I wish I could change.  Not many, but not few.  Things you may not even notice.  

I wish you didn't fall into silence when our best efforts no longer seem to accomplish a thing.  I can stand almost anything - everything but the quiet - for I can't help but blame those who cower to the cage of silence, even if chaos was the only alternative.  And while spiteful words may break your spirit, silence will always shatter my heart.  I wish you weren't so selfish - that for one second of your life, I was more than an afterthought, a stressful inconvenience.  And I wish you didn't give me false hope, only to leave me crushed in sorrow.  Time and time again.  Black and blue in nine different places. Parched in a desert of ignorance and despair.

I could change your life, and you could change mine.

Maybe yes.
Probably no.
For better or for worse?
It's up to you.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Two Wheels Move the Soul

I'm a firm believer that the second you get your hopes up, for a better future and new life, nothing works out.  I've become an expert on the topic.  The more you want something, the more faith you put into it, the more likely you'll be disappointed. And you're no exception.

Because you, you did it, you broke my heart into a shimmering web of silver tears.  God I can't remember the last time I've felt so crushed,  so stupid and insignificant.  I can't remember the last time I've felt so alone and punished with silence.  I may be wild and fearless but inside I'm so fragile.  My bones are brittle and my heart, my heart can't withstand it. 

But thunder clouds don't always give rain.  And the things we fear most have already happened to us my love.  I am just as much to blame and I'm sorry for all I've done.    I'll shut up, I won't push my luck.  I won't guilt you or point fingers.  I don't care about any of the bullshit, I refuse to look back.

If I could be in your arms now, I'd be the happiest fool in the world.  I would spend all night talking to you, pouring my pathetic little heart out to you.  Every night has it's secrets, and tonight is no exception my love. 

I have so much to tell you.  How every time I'm in the mood to write, I only write about you.  How I've written over a dozen hidden posts just about you. Do you know that I dream of you now? Almost every night.  Even then I'm thinking of you my love.  Of us.  Playing back a broken record of what ifs.  It feels like years since I've last been in your arms, but it's real in my dreams.  And if I wake up smiling, I know it's thanks to you.

I've made every exception to every rule for you.  I have.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Friendship Set on Fire

The more I think of you, of us, my eyes start to hurt.  I've kept it a secret, taming my heart and soul of this indescribable thing I feel.  I'm such a fool.  Every moment I spend with you brings something new into my heart, a new flame to blow out. You don't realize it but you are more profitable than silver, more precious than rubies, more valuable to me than gold.  Quietly in the dark of my dreams, I think of you and become lost.  I'm waiting for thunder to capsize this basket of endless thoughts, tossing upon the waves.  I'm secretly waiting, collecting anything real to quench my thirst.  

I want to end this.  I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but today I can't think straight.  I can't concentrate and I can't let you go for a second.  I miss you, I miss you, I fucking miss you. I feel as though I might go insane with this weight on my shoulders.  My heart hurts and I no longer want to compare this love for you.  

Instead I'll feed the birds with the words I've left to say, 
expecting the wind to fly them back, back to May.
You taunt me with your conquests, like with a loaded gun
and I can't help but question, which one of us has won.

O'Lord give me something new to say; wipe this guilty pain away.
O'Lord give me something new to sing; something new worth hoping in.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

You Make My Dopamine Levels Silly

I wanted to be a doctor since I was 9 years old. My first love. My soul, my every breath. But as all young lovers do, I lost track.  Somehow I created this fictitious idea of what it meant to be a doctor.  Helping people, saving lives, dedicating every minute to some greater purpose. I put everything on a pedestal. But I've grown up now and our paths have parted.  Things were going great until these last 2 years.  But once it began, it couldn't be stopped. The past few months have been agonizing and my heart has been broken.  Everything has changed - my outlook, my beliefs.  This whole doctor infatuation I've nestled myself into has been based on bullshit, pure fucking bullshit.  I'm confessing, I won't hide it anymore.  And I don't give a shit what anyone else wants to argue, but it's the goddamn truth.  I'm here now and I know what it is I'm talking about.  Being a PreMed student is possibly one of the most God awful things in the world.  The professors, the atmosphere, the weeding out, the unrealistic expectations. 

I've been looking for a way out for some time now, looking left and right at all the other options.  And now that our relationship is over, I can freely glance and flirt without the burn of guilt.  No more secrets, no more lonely nights, no more tears, no more fake happiness or false hope. No more lies.  

It's taken a lot to stop denying the inevitable end and finally bear these words, to end it before it consumed me.  A decade of my life feels lost.  And I've only started to break it to my family. God it kills me to see them squint in disappointment, I can't stand the disappointment.  Don't look at me with those eyes of judgement, for one day, I swear this flower will blossom.  I whisper it like a lullaby.

I'm not ready for new love yet, but I will be.  I'm going to figure out what it is I want to do with myself, I promise.  I want to get over my first love, my biggest heartbreak, and move on.  See the rainbow after the storm.  I just want to heal now, go a single day without grieving.  

No more writing about it. No more moping or hiding away.  That's it, I'm done with this chapter.  The end.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It's My Own Cheating Heart that Makes Me Cry

It began in May.  And pretty soon, I lost myself completely. I thought I knew who I was, what I stood for - pride and reputation.  I told myself that I would do everything to make the right decisions the first time around. And in just these past few months, it all went to shit.  I lost it all, everything.  Goddamn I feel so low and worthless.  I went halfway across the country and planted roots about this wonderful future I had planned out.  It's not easy, but I manage, I told everyone.  But they have no fucking clue that a part of me has already given up on myself.  I've felt the kiss of death and taken my walk of shame - in secret and silence.  

I am ashamed of this woman I've become, this little girl who runs away.  I cheated on my future, I cheated on myself.  I let myself down in a way I never thought possible.  Today I own up to my faults, no more lies lies lies.  I want to get back on the path I was on since I was 7 years old.  Rebuild what I have lost. But it's too late now, and a big part of me doesn't want to look back. I've made my decision and I'm not taking it back.  I accept it.  At least now I have this angel on my shoulder and a smile on my face.  

The day will come when I'll have to pay my debts.  But today I close my eyes and try to escape...

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Caged Birds Accept Each Other But Flight is What They Long For

So much has changed over these past few months.  I've fallen to my knees, thrown in the towel and cried for mercy.  I've met people and I have stories to tell.  For a while now, I want to write a new blog, to pour my heart out. But instead, I end up staring at this empty box, silent.  It's been this way for over three months. It's as though I'm ashamed, that I can't afford to admit that I've been wrong all along.  And typing these words would only make my heart hurt more.  I can't put three sentences together, and for the few people that care to read my blog, I apologize.

So let's rewind and work backwards.  What the fuck has happened? 

It's the end of the school year and time for finals. I take some time off work, put everything on my credit card and study. And study and study and study. I get my grades back and it's appalling - a fucking mess.  I wish I could say that I forgot to study, that I went out to party.  Among a world of C's, I find out that I made a 58 in my cell biology class and it shatters me. For some unknown reason, the professor passes me with a C-, but the damage has been done.  I am so so ashamed.  I can't bear to tell my parents or friends or classmates.   I won't let myself look at my GPA anymore.  This must be the worst semester of my academic career.

April - June:
I work my ass off for this biology internship at UT Southwestern, "one of the best".  If I want to be a doctor, this is the only way.  I have to prove myself in the lab before anyone let's me into a hospital. I tell myself that this is the right thing to do, the path to follow. And so it begins. I go through the Board of Trustees at SMU, administrations department at UT Southwestern, and the new US legislation laws against unpaid internships.  I struggle for 3 months to get all the paperwork through so I can work 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, with no pay.  Hell I have to pay them $5 every day for parking. I thought that I would love it, that I would have a great time.  I thought I would make new friends and find new inspiration in my life.  I thought it would make my resume shine.  But now I'm here, and I know I've made a huge mistake.  I can feel it in my bones.  I can't fucking do this, this isn't for me.  I keep telling myself it's OK, that this is the way of life and growing up. Maybe I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life yet, but I know what I don't want to do. I keep repeating it over and over.  But this doesn't bring my conscious to rest. I'm so fucking lost lost lost.  I don't just need a Plan B anymore, I need a Plan A.  Everything I've wanted these past 10 years is bullshit.  I don't want it anymore, I made a huge mistake.  No more med school or grad school or working in a lab.  No more security in how my future will turn out. I'm back to the beginning, square one.  Now what?  

Friday, May 13, 2011

One Day I'm a Lion, the Next Day I'm a Mouse

Original Guilt, that's what they should call it.

The reason why we give to charity is a hushed little secret.  When it's a young cashier at the local grocery store, white and pretty, someone we can relate to, it's easy to give.  But when we see someone under the highway, begging for coins, not so much.  It's so easy to look down, to look away.  They, "the other," aren't responsible enough to spend their money correctly, I'm sure.  We need a whole agency to make these decisions for them.  Who cares if this defeats the purpose of charity altogether.

Sometimes I think that if guilt never existed, neither would mankind.  If there were no consequences, if there was no little rule book - a Bible, a Qur'an.  What started this all?

I don't get the ending, I don't get the means.  Why not cut the middle man? Why not give directly to the poor?

I ponder this now as I am asked to collect money for my fellow students.  Money for more scholarships and a "better school," I'm told.  I'm one of the students receiving these very scholarships, but every time I pass by, I feel a tinge of guilt for not giving.  I wouldn't be here if it weren't for my scholarships.  I feel so low and inferior to everyone around me, so low and inferior.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Romulus and Remus

My family and I comprise a first generation immigrant household.  It’s hard to sum up every adversity we’ve faced in this neat little box. Money is tight, to say the least, and too often it’s a day-to-day struggle.  My first job was at the local pizza store my parents opened when I was nine.  Since then, my father has left us and come back again, and I’ve worked half a dozen other jobs to help make ends meet.  When I last met with my academic adviser, she scolded me as to why my grades were lower than they should be.  “Isn’t school more important than petty cash in your pocket?” she asked. I work two jobs, over 40 hours a week.  There is no cash in my pocket but at least there is food on the table and a roof over our heads. 

I was born into a family of pride, of honor.  My father was a professor, my mother a nurse.  My mother wore a dress on her wedding day with white grace and pure glory.  My sister and I were born “in the war years,” when the Soviet began to crumble and neighboring countries found weakness in our borders and luck in their endeavors.  These are the stories I was told. But we were well to do – there was always food on the table.  Fast forward.  Reach away like the limbs of an old, wise tree 20 years.  We have begun to regain strength in our stance. Third time is a charm, the story of our lives.  We have crawled through the storms. Through mud and fire and apocalypse.  I had my first white hair at 16.  I didn’t grow as tall as my mother.  My teeth as crooked as our paths, so many details not worth mentioning. No one knows, I won’t grant anyone the pleasure.  Not even here will I risk it. 

Monday, March 21, 2011

Bread Feeds the Body while Hope Feeds the Soul

Just wait a minute.  Regroup.  Two very difficult years have broken my spirits.  I'm not where I want to be.  So lets try something new.  I'm going to take a risk today and muster up all my courage to do it.  I'm going to quit one of my jobs and try to trust you.  I'm going to try.  I hate your damn gypsy soul, but today I need your help.  If only you knew how hard its become, if only you knew.  We have had a good week together, probably the best we've ever had.  But this single flower blossom doesn't bring spring.  Not with us. 

Call me a pessimist, call me a bitch, but I don't think my little plan will last long.  It's like wisdom teeth, it's painful to lose, but once they're gone, they're gone.  My wisdom teeth ripped away my trust for you.  Just as hard as it is to welcome you back into my life, it's even harder for you to change.  You were born for leaving, for running away.  And a single flower doesn't bring spring.  No way. No way.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Girl Who Has Everything

Dear God,

I used to believe that no matter how lost I got, how frustrated I became, I could always find my way back.  Somehow I could detour my way through, retrace my steps.  I could ask for help and someone would hear my voice.  Mortal or immortal.  Maybe you, maybe an angel, maybe lady luck.  But today I am more and more lost.  I'm looking for traces, for crumbs, but there are none.  It's as though I'm in another world.  The wind around me has changed and when I look into a mirror, I see a stranger.  Did I read your lips incorrectly?  Was this not the path for me?  When it's dark and cold and no one there to bare witness, I hide my face in your arms and cry.  I've lost hope.  I won't find my way again.  I'm too far gone.  I will never be what I've always dreamed.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

She Sings the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing

Hush little baby don't say a word
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird...

This is my chance to remind you how much I hate you.  So many dark nights I've had, so many times I've tried to disappear into thin air.  Don't you see how disappointed I am?  I carry so much shame on my shoulders, so much hurt.  How are you so selfish? Don't you see what you've done?  Over the years I have forgotten what it was once like to trust you.  You're demeanor getting progressively worse is the only thing I hold true these days.  How many more times do I need to hold up a mirror to your face?  Maybe you're blind, maybe I'm stupid for still trying.  

Do you know that I don't love you anymore?  Never again will I smile at the sound of your name.  Of this I am ashamed too.  We could have had the perfect little family.  But when I rewind and play back the past, I know I'm dreaming.  There in the past lies my little heart shattered.  

Today I will tell you this all over again.  Again and again until I'm sure you have understood.  I want to haunt your dreams like you haunt mine.  But when I try to speak, my voice breaks, my lips quiver.  I am not as strong as it seems.  I am only a child.

...And if that horse and cart fall down
You'll still be the sweetest one in town.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Silence is a Scary Sound

Communication is what I'm all about. Right? Wrong. I hardly say what I'm thinking. Not even here, not now. Our differences are growing every day. Not petty little differences, but fundamental ones. We talk and there is nothing to say. I'm tired of filling the silence. I'm tired of daydreaming. I'm not a little girl anymore. I can hope but I don't believe.

Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

When will I accept it? When will I find someone like me?