Saturday, November 6, 2010

Ex Cineribus Resurgam

"Do you have anyone in your family who's a doctor?"


"Then how do you really know you want to be one? How do you know anything about the health care environment?"

It's been one year, four months, and six days of weeding - the SMU faculty deciding who is and who isn't good enough for medical school. $40,000 a year to be told I'm not. As she tells me how it's impossible for me to succeed, all I can think of is what I wish I could say to her.

Who are you to judge what I am capable of doing? How can you say something so personal after having met me 15 seconds ago? How are people like you, real "educators," employed?

The ideology that only the children of doctors can become doctors is as stupid as a submarine with a screen door.

Maybe it's because I'm 19 and she is a college professor that allows her to decide my future. Or maybe it's because she really does know better, maybe this is what I will be told in my medical school interviews. Maybe I won't even get an interview.

Last week I read an article about how male medical students are 40% more likely to commit suicide and females are 130% more likely. I wish I could send an email to all my professors. To remind them that if perhaps they concentrated more on teaching their students and less on "cutting the fat," things would be different. To let them know how heartbroken it leaves me when I see so many professors ultimately fail their students.

I know that the decisions I have made are hard. Working full time and being a full time PreMed student isn't what I dreamed of when I was a little girl. But what choice do I have? I want to scream how much everything sucks right now, how hard every day is for me. I want to scream that I'm suffering, that every day I fantasize about a way out. More than anything, I want to scream that I'm doing my best.


  1. Dear Ashkie, As one who has been through it, I can feel your pain and frustration. I am the son of a doctor (in fact I'm the 7th generation physician in our family), and let me tell you that the only advantage to that was knowing what I was getting myself into. My father went to Harvard Med School, but I didn't get in there. In fact, I had to take a year off, moved to Tennessee, then got into medical school there. I really think it was my tenacity, rather than my family heritage that got me into med school. And now my daughter is trying to get into med school (after getting a four year degree in dance from the university of Arizona), and I know she shares some of your frustrations. If you wanted to contact her, you can reach her on Facebook (Sarah Cook Johnston).
    I think it is true what they say about those that make it in medicine, that you need a good memory, a somewhat obsessive tendency, and more than anything else, sheer determination.
    I wish you a lot of luck.

  2. I completely understand how you feel although I didn't take the same career path. Deans, advisors, professors etc. dish out bull shit to us because of their ego. My own "mentor" fed me condescending advice just this morning. I know how it is to feel completely trapped in career decisions. Stick it out and know that many others are in your same position right now about to pluck their eyeballs out!

    visit me:

  3. ohhhh....i feel the exact same way....only in another land, another battle and another profession :(
    hopefully there will be sunshine!

  4. Your brilliant, determined, and the most stubborn girl on earth; everything you need to make into med school and beyond. You got this =)

  5. Seems to be the same in any profession. I am a solicitor and always dreaded the 'Why Law?' question. Because it interests me obviously, I didn't choose the career path from a yearning to study for years just for the fun of it! No I don't have family members, or any close contacts (or even distant contacts!) in the profession but I know it is what I want to do (as much as anyone can truly know at an age you are required to make such life critical decisions).

    Keep your chin up and keep plugging away - can't knock determination...

  6. I am going to community college right now, starting my second semester in Jan. and I am due to have my baby in 29 days. I am going to school right now to get my teaching credentials and then get a job teaching. After that I plan to go to med school. Everyone tells me that I won't be able to do it, but that just makes me want to try harder. I know I can succeed and I am confident that you can too. :)

  7. Hey I am kinda new to all of this but I wanted to say that you are not alone darling. I know the struggles of life, I know it's hard and the road is long and not paved, so you never know where to turn. Keep your head held high, you are a wild orchid in someone's ugly swamp.
    Like I said I just started blogging so...but I really appreciate hearing about life in a young female's perspective.


    P.S. I really hope none of this came off creepy.

  8. Nepotism is a double edged sword. Think about it in evolutionary terms: wouldn't you go the extra step for your own kid?

    If you have the grit and the determination it takes to become a doctor, consider yourself at an advantage already. It's all about how you pitch yourself. Get yourself noticed :)

    Ruben T.