Sunday, August 28, 2011

Friendship Set on Fire

The more I think of you, of us, my eyes start to hurt.  I've kept it a secret, taming my heart and soul of this indescribable thing I feel.  I'm such a fool.  Every moment I spend with you brings something new into my heart, a new flame to blow out. You don't realize it but you are more profitable than silver, more precious than rubies, more valuable to me than gold.  Quietly in the dark of my dreams, I think of you and become lost.  I'm waiting for thunder to capsize this basket of endless thoughts, tossing upon the waves.  I'm secretly waiting, collecting anything real to quench my thirst.  

I want to end this.  I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but today I can't think straight.  I can't concentrate and I can't let you go for a second.  I miss you, I miss you, I fucking miss you. I feel as though I might go insane with this weight on my shoulders.  My heart hurts and I no longer want to compare this love for you.  

Instead I'll feed the birds with the words I've left to say, 
expecting the wind to fly them back, back to May.
You taunt me with your conquests, like with a loaded gun
and I can't help but question, which one of us has won.

O'Lord give me something new to say; wipe this guilty pain away.
O'Lord give me something new to sing; something new worth hoping in.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

You Make My Dopamine Levels Silly

I wanted to be a doctor since I was 9 years old. My first love. My soul, my every breath. But as all young lovers do, I lost track.  Somehow I created this fictitious idea of what it meant to be a doctor.  Helping people, saving lives, dedicating every minute to some greater purpose. I put everything on a pedestal. But I've grown up now and our paths have parted.  Things were going great until these last 2 years.  But once it began, it couldn't be stopped. The past few months have been agonizing and my heart has been broken.  Everything has changed - my outlook, my beliefs.  This whole doctor infatuation I've nestled myself into has been based on bullshit, pure fucking bullshit.  I'm confessing, I won't hide it anymore.  And I don't give a shit what anyone else wants to argue, but it's the goddamn truth.  I'm here now and I know what it is I'm talking about.  Being a PreMed student is possibly one of the most God awful things in the world.  The professors, the atmosphere, the weeding out, the unrealistic expectations. 

I've been looking for a way out for some time now, looking left and right at all the other options.  And now that our relationship is over, I can freely glance and flirt without the burn of guilt.  No more secrets, no more lonely nights, no more tears, no more fake happiness or false hope. No more lies.  

It's taken a lot to stop denying the inevitable end and finally bear these words, to end it before it consumed me.  A decade of my life feels lost.  And I've only started to break it to my family. God it kills me to see them squint in disappointment, I can't stand the disappointment.  Don't look at me with those eyes of judgement, for one day, I swear this flower will blossom.  I whisper it like a lullaby.

I'm not ready for new love yet, but I will be.  I'm going to figure out what it is I want to do with myself, I promise.  I want to get over my first love, my biggest heartbreak, and move on.  See the rainbow after the storm.  I just want to heal now, go a single day without grieving.  

No more writing about it. No more moping or hiding away.  That's it, I'm done with this chapter.  The end.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

It's My Own Cheating Heart that Makes Me Cry

It began in May.  And pretty soon, I lost myself completely. I thought I knew who I was, what I stood for - pride and reputation.  I told myself that I would do everything to make the right decisions the first time around. And in just these past few months, it all went to shit.  I lost it all, everything.  Goddamn I feel so low and worthless.  I went halfway across the country and planted roots about this wonderful future I had planned out.  It's not easy, but I manage, I told everyone.  But they have no fucking clue that a part of me has already given up on myself.  I've felt the kiss of death and taken my walk of shame - in secret and silence.  

I am ashamed of this woman I've become, this little girl who runs away.  I cheated on my future, I cheated on myself.  I let myself down in a way I never thought possible.  Today I own up to my faults, no more lies lies lies.  I want to get back on the path I was on since I was 7 years old.  Rebuild what I have lost. But it's too late now, and a big part of me doesn't want to look back. I've made my decision and I'm not taking it back.  I accept it.  At least now I have this angel on my shoulder and a smile on my face.  

The day will come when I'll have to pay my debts.  But today I close my eyes and try to escape...

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Caged Birds Accept Each Other But Flight is What They Long For

So much has changed over these past few months.  I've fallen to my knees, thrown in the towel and cried for mercy.  I've met people and I have stories to tell.  For a while now, I want to write a new blog, to pour my heart out. But instead, I end up staring at this empty box, silent.  It's been this way for over three months. It's as though I'm ashamed, that I can't afford to admit that I've been wrong all along.  And typing these words would only make my heart hurt more.  I can't put three sentences together, and for the few people that care to read my blog, I apologize.

So let's rewind and work backwards.  What the fuck has happened? 

It's the end of the school year and time for finals. I take some time off work, put everything on my credit card and study. And study and study and study. I get my grades back and it's appalling - a fucking mess.  I wish I could say that I forgot to study, that I went out to party.  Among a world of C's, I find out that I made a 58 in my cell biology class and it shatters me. For some unknown reason, the professor passes me with a C-, but the damage has been done.  I am so so ashamed.  I can't bear to tell my parents or friends or classmates.   I won't let myself look at my GPA anymore.  This must be the worst semester of my academic career.

April - June:
I work my ass off for this biology internship at UT Southwestern, "one of the best".  If I want to be a doctor, this is the only way.  I have to prove myself in the lab before anyone let's me into a hospital. I tell myself that this is the right thing to do, the path to follow. And so it begins. I go through the Board of Trustees at SMU, administrations department at UT Southwestern, and the new US legislation laws against unpaid internships.  I struggle for 3 months to get all the paperwork through so I can work 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, with no pay.  Hell I have to pay them $5 every day for parking. I thought that I would love it, that I would have a great time.  I thought I would make new friends and find new inspiration in my life.  I thought it would make my resume shine.  But now I'm here, and I know I've made a huge mistake.  I can feel it in my bones.  I can't fucking do this, this isn't for me.  I keep telling myself it's OK, that this is the way of life and growing up. Maybe I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life yet, but I know what I don't want to do. I keep repeating it over and over.  But this doesn't bring my conscious to rest. I'm so fucking lost lost lost.  I don't just need a Plan B anymore, I need a Plan A.  Everything I've wanted these past 10 years is bullshit.  I don't want it anymore, I made a huge mistake.  No more med school or grad school or working in a lab.  No more security in how my future will turn out. I'm back to the beginning, square one.  Now what?