So much has changed over these past few months. I've fallen to my knees, thrown in the towel and cried for mercy. I've met people and I have stories to tell. For a while now, I want to write a new blog, to pour my heart out. But instead, I end up staring at this empty box, silent. It's been this way for over three months. It's as though I'm ashamed, that I can't afford to admit that I've been wrong all along. And typing these words would only make my heart hurt more. I can't put three sentences together, and for the few people that care to read my blog, I apologize.
So let's rewind and work backwards. What the fuck has happened?
It's the end of the school year and time for finals. I take some time off work, put everything on my credit card and study. And study and study and study. I get my grades back and it's appalling - a fucking mess. I wish I could say that I forgot to study, that I went out to party. Among a world of C's, I find out that I made a 58 in my cell biology class and it shatters me. For some unknown reason, the professor passes me with a C-, but the damage has been done. I am so so ashamed. I can't bear to tell my parents or friends or classmates. I won't let myself look at my GPA anymore. This must be the worst semester of my academic career.
April - June:
I work my ass off for this biology internship at UT Southwestern, "one of the best". If I want to be a doctor, this is the only way. I have to prove myself in the lab before anyone let's me into a hospital. I tell myself that this is the right thing to do, the path to follow. And so it begins. I go through the Board of Trustees at SMU, administrations department at UT Southwestern, and the new US legislation laws against unpaid internships. I struggle for 3 months to get all the paperwork through so I can work 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, with no pay. Hell I have to pay them $5 every day for parking. I thought that I would love it, that I would have a great time. I thought I would make new friends and find new inspiration in my life. I thought it would make my resume shine. But now I'm here, and I know I've made a huge mistake. I can feel it in my bones. I can't fucking do this, this isn't for me. I keep telling myself it's OK, that this is the way of life and growing up. Maybe I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life yet, but I know what I don't want to do. I keep repeating it over and over. But this doesn't bring my conscious to rest. I'm so fucking lost lost lost. I don't just need a Plan B anymore, I need a Plan A. Everything I've wanted these past 10 years is bullshit. I don't want it anymore, I made a huge mistake. No more med school or grad school or working in a lab. No more security in how my future will turn out. I'm back to the beginning, square one. Now what?