Thursday, August 4, 2011

Caged Birds Accept Each Other But Flight is What They Long For

So much has changed over these past few months.  I've fallen to my knees, thrown in the towel and cried for mercy.  I've met people and I have stories to tell.  For a while now, I want to write a new blog, to pour my heart out. But instead, I end up staring at this empty box, silent.  It's been this way for over three months. It's as though I'm ashamed, that I can't afford to admit that I've been wrong all along.  And typing these words would only make my heart hurt more.  I can't put three sentences together, and for the few people that care to read my blog, I apologize.

So let's rewind and work backwards.  What the fuck has happened? 

It's the end of the school year and time for finals. I take some time off work, put everything on my credit card and study. And study and study and study. I get my grades back and it's appalling - a fucking mess.  I wish I could say that I forgot to study, that I went out to party.  Among a world of C's, I find out that I made a 58 in my cell biology class and it shatters me. For some unknown reason, the professor passes me with a C-, but the damage has been done.  I am so so ashamed.  I can't bear to tell my parents or friends or classmates.   I won't let myself look at my GPA anymore.  This must be the worst semester of my academic career.

April - June:
I work my ass off for this biology internship at UT Southwestern, "one of the best".  If I want to be a doctor, this is the only way.  I have to prove myself in the lab before anyone let's me into a hospital. I tell myself that this is the right thing to do, the path to follow. And so it begins. I go through the Board of Trustees at SMU, administrations department at UT Southwestern, and the new US legislation laws against unpaid internships.  I struggle for 3 months to get all the paperwork through so I can work 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week, with no pay.  Hell I have to pay them $5 every day for parking. I thought that I would love it, that I would have a great time.  I thought I would make new friends and find new inspiration in my life.  I thought it would make my resume shine.  But now I'm here, and I know I've made a huge mistake.  I can feel it in my bones.  I can't fucking do this, this isn't for me.  I keep telling myself it's OK, that this is the way of life and growing up. Maybe I don't know what I want to do for the rest of my life yet, but I know what I don't want to do. I keep repeating it over and over.  But this doesn't bring my conscious to rest. I'm so fucking lost lost lost.  I don't just need a Plan B anymore, I need a Plan A.  Everything I've wanted these past 10 years is bullshit.  I don't want it anymore, I made a huge mistake.  No more med school or grad school or working in a lab.  No more security in how my future will turn out. I'm back to the beginning, square one.  Now what?  

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