Saturday, August 27, 2011

You Make My Dopamine Levels Silly

I wanted to be a doctor since I was 9 years old. My first love. My soul, my every breath. But as all young lovers do, I lost track.  Somehow I created this fictitious idea of what it meant to be a doctor.  Helping people, saving lives, dedicating every minute to some greater purpose. I put everything on a pedestal. But I've grown up now and our paths have parted.  Things were going great until these last 2 years.  But once it began, it couldn't be stopped. The past few months have been agonizing and my heart has been broken.  Everything has changed - my outlook, my beliefs.  This whole doctor infatuation I've nestled myself into has been based on bullshit, pure fucking bullshit.  I'm confessing, I won't hide it anymore.  And I don't give a shit what anyone else wants to argue, but it's the goddamn truth.  I'm here now and I know what it is I'm talking about.  Being a PreMed student is possibly one of the most God awful things in the world.  The professors, the atmosphere, the weeding out, the unrealistic expectations. 

I've been looking for a way out for some time now, looking left and right at all the other options.  And now that our relationship is over, I can freely glance and flirt without the burn of guilt.  No more secrets, no more lonely nights, no more tears, no more fake happiness or false hope. No more lies.  

It's taken a lot to stop denying the inevitable end and finally bear these words, to end it before it consumed me.  A decade of my life feels lost.  And I've only started to break it to my family. God it kills me to see them squint in disappointment, I can't stand the disappointment.  Don't look at me with those eyes of judgement, for one day, I swear this flower will blossom.  I whisper it like a lullaby.

I'm not ready for new love yet, but I will be.  I'm going to figure out what it is I want to do with myself, I promise.  I want to get over my first love, my biggest heartbreak, and move on.  See the rainbow after the storm.  I just want to heal now, go a single day without grieving.  

No more writing about it. No more moping or hiding away.  That's it, I'm done with this chapter.  The end.

1 comment:

  1. Why punish yourself for relieving yourself of something that caused you such terrible strain?
    You are not here to keep the ones around you pleased and happy. Sure there expectations, but life is to be lived with utmost enjoyment.

    Immerse yourself in the things you truly love again now, when you have the chance.
    Start simple. The world is your oyster.