"I want to stand as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center." -Kurt Vonnegut
Once upon a time, I used to believe that if you really got to know someone, you would find that they really weren't so different from you after all. Hidden below the facades of confidence and makeup, they were really just scared children putting forward an image that we can all relate to. Deep down they had similar values and instincts from having had morals stamped in them from a young age. Once upon a time, I believed that below the surface, we really did all care about each other. It turns out I was half right about this - most people are children deep down, but they are nothing like me.
I've been so many places at this point in my life that I know I never want to return to. I've been such a mess over the years. I admit that I've been selfish and cruel. I've hurt people. I've crushed people. I admit that I've lied, that I've been spiteful, self-serviant and naive. There it is, naive, that silly word.
But who I am now is saddened by who I once was. Or pretended to be. Sure the world is rough, filthy, and uncaring, but so what? Who cares if 90% of the people I've met aren't worth the space they occupy? I swear I'm not going to spend my life absorbed with how terrible things have been or may become. I'm not that spoiled. Yes people suck, and yes there is a ton of unnecessary bullshit, but what I have to ask myself is "now what?" I want to go out and live a life defined by my own standards and values. Being a Christian never meant you couldn't have your own beliefs. I'm slowly but surely cutting out every worthless and unkind friend. I'm throwing it all away. I'm turning off my TV for a while. And on this small, miniscule journey, I've realized we really aren't so complicated deep down. It's pretty black and white and I'm tired of fighting it.
I struggle day and night to better myself. I've come a long way from a colorful past no one really knows about. Not yet.
I'm going to write a book someday.
Originally written November 17, 2008