Tears Do Not Burn Except in Solitude

It's so important to me that you understand. That you see me even when I'm not there. And so I'll talk and talk until my spirit is lull and there is no sense. You ya you, you understand, right? Right.  But comfort isn't enough. Not for me, not anymore.  I want sincerity.  I want truth.  I want it all. I am so full of wounds that when I stand, it's not my legs that give me grief.  The truth is that I would rather say less and for it to mean more.

But I can't demur when you've had the same.  Together we are a dictionary of heartache and today I only receive what I give.  Squint my eyes and think back. Think.

Twice I've been reborn.  Once, on the day I realized I didn't need to be a fucking doctor or lawyer or astronaut to save the world. And again when I found you.

There's You...

We are all weak and in so much pain - it's impossible to leave behind.
There's so much beauty in the broken, but it's so fucking hard to find.

When you fall for someone,  it's for all the details.  Things you could never expect suddenly take precedent.  I don't believe in lovey dovey, I didn't believe in love at all.  I'm incapable, and it doesn't exist.  But evidently, it wasn't me who was incapable, it was the world that couldn't match it; it does exist because I feel it now.  I have you, who moved mountains in hours, not days.  You who made me fall in days, not months.  You who made everything melt.

And it's for the details that I can't stay away.  For in you, I find compassion and passion, empathy and expectation.  Your eyes, your smile, the way you lift me and protect me from the world.  Your hopes, your dreams, the stories you tell me every night.  Your openness, your honesty, your vigilance to not let history repeat itself.  Your kindness, your patience, the shelter you provide when no one else does.  Your confidence, your prudence, how hard you work to make tomorrow feasible.  Your maturity, your youth, the way your voice trembles when you're afraid to admit the truth.  Your eagerness, your disbelief, the way you tell me you love me.  I can't stop telling you, I could never stop.

I may not know where you came from, or how I got so lucky, but I know 30 years from now where you will be.  Living simply, loving purely, with a girl to fill in the gaps of past, present and future.

...And Then There's Me

I stood in the storm for years and told myself I didn't mind.
I closed my purple eyes and left every dream of mine behind.

I'm scared, I'm fucking scared. My everything is full of doubt. My family, my friends, nothing is unconditional.  Even love is a temporary contract.  The things I want most I have no confidence in. They say I'm not alone but I feel that I am, I know I am.  I was dealt a hand I didn't understand.  So I ache, I agonize and I'm silent in my ways.  I give up, I decorate my own soul in defeat instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers.

Then you whispered, not into my ear, but into my heart.  And then you kissed me, not on my lips, but my soul.  Suddenly the ground shook and in you, I found it.

When I'm with you, it's different.  I feel strong and capable. I know who I am and that person is worth happiness.  I walk beside you and I have everything I need, everything I want.  Air in my lungs, love in my eyes, a future I never thought possible.  You yourself are unconditional, priceless.  And you move me in a delicate manner, to be better, to work harder, to do with hope what I've done for years. To live, not just endure. 

You set me free.  Like the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.  There are no words, I am so utterly grateful.

Everything that's Shiny isn't Gold

Dear Ben Covington,

I keep thinking that we'll meet again. 
Somewhere in the middle, we'll find each other again. 
But we haven't yet. 
We may never. 
Goodbye again.


Love,
Ashkhen

Between the Shadow and the Soul

You told me once that you don't want to change for anyone, that you want a girl to love you for you.  Don't you already have that?  Don't you see?

I've never been in this situation.  Never felt so tongue tied.  I'm a writer with no words.  Even here, now, I don't know how to explain.  I act like it's no big deal but inside my heart is aching.

I just have one question.  

If I'm willing to do everything in the world to make you happy, why can't you do the same for me?