All You Had to Do Was Call

You always have something to say, some smartass bullshit to add.  How about now?  Why aren't you talking? You fucking coward.

I can't sleep anymore.  The insomnia kicks in when I need rest the most.  So I play it back over and over and over again.  I drove an hour to see you and I came with gifts.  It took me 2 hours to get ready to see you, unshaven with dirty sheets.  But I didn't care, I was so fucking happy to see you.  And then I drove half a block from your house and cried for an hour.  They were coming down so hard, I couldn't see.  You didn't come to my rescue.  You didn't hold me tight in your embrace.  You didn't call.  Not the first time.  Just because 'you don't want to talk about it' doesn't mean I've forgotten.  That I could ever forget.  Then and now.

Every moment, every inch we've ever shared.  Was it worth it?  Are you happy now?  My hate grows with every second of silence.  I regret meeting you, choosing you, falling for you.  I want to throw away everything you have given me, everything you have poisoned with your touch.  I'd rather mourn my loss than be your slave.  I'm still crying but I'm not coming back.

One day you'll find those tiny balls of yours and call me back, you will.  And I won't be there to answer.

I Wink to Bring You Near, I Wink to Hide the Tears

Every day we play a game.  I move forward, you step back.  I want to forfeit.  Stop and fast forward to the next scene.  Where's the remote?  Who has the control?

I grew up to my parents hating each other.  Screaming for weeks until the police showed up.  I swore I'd never let myself turn into that.  Never become dependent.  I have and I haven't.  My eyes are open, my heart is free.  I'm broken but I'm still breathing.  I've got a talent for choosing the people who are worst for me.  Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me where I've gone wrong.

Tell me, does your ass get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?  If only our tongues were made of glass, would you be so careless with your words?  And you can say 'sorry' or 'I love you' a thousand times, but if you can't show it, then your words don't mean a fucking thing.  I don't need magic to disappear when your words make me feel invisible.  And holding onto you any longer only makes me sick.

I have good days and fucking bad one.  Call me T-Rex, I roar and soar.  High and mighty but tomorrow I'll be gone.  I want to be gone.  I want to vanish. 

You don't own me.  No one does.  Back to square one.

Every Man Casts a Shadow

All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality, the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape. -Arthur Christopher Benson

I am passion.  I am fire.  I give everything away.  Craziness is my heaven.  I don't hold back.  Not then, not now.  Wholeheartedly, I am yours.

But every day you lose me more and more and more.  You let me down, you find a new way to do so daily.  I'm not perfect but perfect is what I seek.  For affection and simplicity.  I don't want to change you.  I know that I can't stop the waves.  But when you break me like this, I want to bottle you up and ship you away.  I may be anchored in your love but I am still the captain of this ship.  I want to take the pieces you've broken and give them away for someone else to fix.  The more I try to be happy, the more I suffer.

When my mind wanders, it wanders to you.  You make me happy and sad together.  But in the end, I'm afraid that I want more than you can give.

None of it Matters, But it Does

I wish my hand fit into yours like it once used to.  I still don't know how to move forward or get out of bed without thinking of you, missing you.  I whisper secrets you will never know because I'm still waiting to be saved.  You think I'm strong but it's a lie, I'm small and weak.  There you go.

I realize that I'm holding onto something that doesn't exist anymore.  That the person I love, I want, I miss doesn't exist anymore.  People change.  The things we like and dislike change.  And we can wish they wouldn't all day long, but it doesn't work that way. 

All great things are preceded by chaos, right?  Wrong.  Every goddamn day is chaos.  Life is divine chaos.  And you of all people should know that silence is a girl's loudest cry. You never heard me, not once.  You've been so wrapped up in you, you've forgotten.  And now it's over.  I was crazy for you but your eyes weren't open.

I've changed too you know.  I believe in love, lust, sex and romance, not one at a time, but all at once.  I don't want it all to add up to the perfect equation anymore - perfect doesn't exist.  No no no. I want mess and chaos.  I want someone to go crazy out of their fucking mind for me, every day.  I want to experience passion and heat and madness.  I want just you and I, just sheets and us.  I want it all.

Speak the truth or lie and cheat.  I've made my decision and I'm starting over.

When Every Person in This World is a Drizzle, You're a Hurricane

I want to bury myself in your arms, your shoulders, your warmth.  I want to hear you say that everything will be fine.  I want you to hold me and whisper that we'll find a way to be together.  If it's important to you, you'll find a fucking way.  And in this perfect world, I'll turn to you and confess that when I dream, I dream of you.  You are different and that's what makes you beautiful.  I don't want to walk alone, just to prove to you that I can.  I don't want to lose the moon while counting the stars, and right now, looking into your eyes is my escape from the world.

The truth is darling that when you want something that you've never had before, you have to do something you've never done before. One day you may lose me but you will never lose my love. I will protect you and hold your hand until the end of your days. For this love is stronger than depression and braver than loneliness and nothing, nothing could exhaust it. 

I keep myself busy

With the worthless shit I do.

But every time I pause,

I will always think of you.

If you want to fly, you have to sacrifice the things that hold you down.