Bread Feeds the Body while Hope Feeds the Soul

Just wait a minute.  Regroup.  Two very difficult years have broken my spirits.  I'm not where I want to be.  So lets try something new.  I'm going to take a risk today and muster up all my courage to do it.  I'm going to quit one of my jobs and try to trust you.  I'm going to try.  I hate your damn gypsy soul, but today I need your help.  If only you knew how hard its become, if only you knew.  We have had a good week together, probably the best we've ever had.  But this single flower blossom doesn't bring spring.  Not with us. 

Call me a pessimist, call me a bitch, but I don't think my little plan will last long.  It's like wisdom teeth, it's painful to lose, but once they're gone, they're gone.  My wisdom teeth ripped away my trust for you.  Just as hard as it is to welcome you back into my life, it's even harder for you to change.  You were born for leaving, for running away.  And a single flower doesn't bring spring.  No way. No way.

The Girl Who Has Everything

Dear God,

I used to believe that no matter how lost I got, how frustrated I became, I could always find my way back.  Somehow I could detour my way through, retrace my steps.  I could ask for help and someone would hear my voice.  Mortal or immortal.  Maybe you, maybe an angel, maybe lady luck.  But today I am more and more lost.  I'm looking for traces, for crumbs, but there are none.  It's as though I'm in another world.  The wind around me has changed and when I look into a mirror, I see a stranger.  Did I read your lips incorrectly?  Was this not the path for me?  When it's dark and cold and no one there to bare witness, I hide my face in your arms and cry.  I've lost hope.  I won't find my way again.  I'm too far gone.  I will never be what I've always dreamed.

She Sings the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing

Hush little baby don't say a word
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird...

This is my chance to remind you how much I hate you.  So many dark nights I've had, so many times I've tried to disappear into thin air.  Don't you see how disappointed I am?  I carry so much shame on my shoulders, so much hurt.  How are you so selfish? Don't you see what you've done?  Over the years I have forgotten what it was once like to trust you.  You're demeanor getting progressively worse is the only thing I hold true these days.  How many more times do I need to hold up a mirror to your face?  Maybe you're blind, maybe I'm stupid for still trying.  

Do you know that I don't love you anymore?  Never again will I smile at the sound of your name.  Of this I am ashamed too.  We could have had the perfect little family.  But when I rewind and play back the past, I know I'm dreaming.  There in the past lies my little heart shattered.  

Today I will tell you this all over again.  Again and again until I'm sure you have understood.  I want to haunt your dreams like you haunt mine.  But when I try to speak, my voice breaks, my lips quiver.  I am not as strong as it seems.  I am only a child.

...And if that horse and cart fall down
You'll still be the sweetest one in town.

Silence is a Scary Sound

Communication is what I'm all about. Right? Wrong. I hardly say what I'm thinking. Not even here, not now. Our differences are growing every day. Not petty little differences, but fundamental ones. We talk and there is nothing to say. I'm tired of filling the silence. I'm tired of daydreaming. I'm not a little girl anymore. I can hope but I don't believe.

Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

When will I accept it? When will I find someone like me?

Ex Cineribus Resurgam

"Do you have anyone in your family who's a doctor?"

"No."

"Then how do you really know you want to be one? How do you know anything about the health care environment?"

It's been one year, four months, and six days of weeding - the SMU faculty deciding who is and who isn't good enough for medical school. $40,000 a year to be told I'm not. As she tells me how it's impossible for me to succeed, all I can think of is what I wish I could say to her.

Who are you to judge what I am capable of doing? How can you say something so personal after having met me 15 seconds ago? How are people like you, real "educators," employed?

The ideology that only the children of doctors can become doctors is as stupid as a submarine with a screen door.

Maybe it's because I'm 19 and she is a college professor that allows her to decide my future. Or maybe it's because she really does know better, maybe this is what I will be told in my medical school interviews. Maybe I won't even get an interview.

Last week I read an article about how male medical students are 40% more likely to commit suicide and females are 130% more likely. I wish I could send an email to all my professors. To remind them that if perhaps they concentrated more on teaching their students and less on "cutting the fat," things would be different. To let them know how heartbroken it leaves me when I see so many professors ultimately fail their students.

I know that the decisions I have made are hard. Working full time and being a full time PreMed student isn't what I dreamed of when I was a little girl. But what choice do I have? I want to scream how much everything sucks right now, how hard every day is for me. I want to scream that I'm suffering, that every day I fantasize about a way out. More than anything, I want to scream that I'm doing my best.