She Sings the Songs that Make the Whole World Sing

Hush little baby don't say a word
Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird...

This is my chance to remind you how much I hate you.  So many dark nights I've had, so many times I've tried to disappear into thin air.  Don't you see how disappointed I am?  I carry so much shame on my shoulders, so much hurt.  How are you so selfish? Don't you see what you've done?  Over the years I have forgotten what it was once like to trust you.  You're demeanor getting progressively worse is the only thing I hold true these days.  How many more times do I need to hold up a mirror to your face?  Maybe you're blind, maybe I'm stupid for still trying.  

Do you know that I don't love you anymore?  Never again will I smile at the sound of your name.  Of this I am ashamed too.  We could have had the perfect little family.  But when I rewind and play back the past, I know I'm dreaming.  There in the past lies my little heart shattered.  

Today I will tell you this all over again.  Again and again until I'm sure you have understood.  I want to haunt your dreams like you haunt mine.  But when I try to speak, my voice breaks, my lips quiver.  I am not as strong as it seems.  I am only a child.

...And if that horse and cart fall down
You'll still be the sweetest one in town.

Silence is a Scary Sound

Communication is what I'm all about. Right? Wrong. I hardly say what I'm thinking. Not even here, not now. Our differences are growing every day. Not petty little differences, but fundamental ones. We talk and there is nothing to say. I'm tired of filling the silence. I'm tired of daydreaming. I'm not a little girl anymore. I can hope but I don't believe.

Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone. Alone.

When will I accept it? When will I find someone like me?

Ex Cineribus Resurgam

"Do you have anyone in your family who's a doctor?"

"No."

"Then how do you really know you want to be one? How do you know anything about the health care environment?"

It's been one year, four months, and six days of weeding - the SMU faculty deciding who is and who isn't good enough for medical school. $40,000 a year to be told I'm not. As she tells me how it's impossible for me to succeed, all I can think of is what I wish I could say to her.

Who are you to judge what I am capable of doing? How can you say something so personal after having met me 15 seconds ago? How are people like you, real "educators," employed?

The ideology that only the children of doctors can become doctors is as stupid as a submarine with a screen door.

Maybe it's because I'm 19 and she is a college professor that allows her to decide my future. Or maybe it's because she really does know better, maybe this is what I will be told in my medical school interviews. Maybe I won't even get an interview.

Last week I read an article about how male medical students are 40% more likely to commit suicide and females are 130% more likely. I wish I could send an email to all my professors. To remind them that if perhaps they concentrated more on teaching their students and less on "cutting the fat," things would be different. To let them know how heartbroken it leaves me when I see so many professors ultimately fail their students.

I know that the decisions I have made are hard. Working full time and being a full time PreMed student isn't what I dreamed of when I was a little girl. But what choice do I have? I want to scream how much everything sucks right now, how hard every day is for me. I want to scream that I'm suffering, that every day I fantasize about a way out. More than anything, I want to scream that I'm doing my best.

Peace of Mind

Lets paint a pretty picture. One where every step is flooded with obstacles and the end is hidden under so many layers of clouds that it's suffocating. And if you even try to open your eyes or put one foot in front of the other, you are instantly blinded, struck down by a higher force.

Well today isn't that day.

Today I've been hired at a respectable place and I'm working. Today I made a little girl smile and ask me if I could keep a secret, that her headaches had gone away and she might actually be enjoying the hour she is forced to spend with me. Today I'm on chapter 3 - three steps ahead. Today I have a fantastic boyfriend and a best friend and a whole future all wrapped up in a little velvet box from a jewelry store about 4 miles and 12 months away. Today I'm grinning to my ears and have a pure heart full of promise and hope.

Daydreaming Again, Alice?

Q- So tell me, what do you do in your spare time?

A- Honestly? I dream a lot. And I know that's probably not the picture perfect answer you want to hear - that I save babies from burning buildings and fight crime on the weekends, no big deal - but it's the truth. During the day and during the night, that's my secret hobby. I dream of the day when someone, some place, takes a gamble and gives me a chance. I dream of the next four years, of the hard work and sleepless nights. And I'm not just dreaming of the outcome, when I can look back and say "back in my day" to my own kids, I'm dreaming of an opportunity, one that I know I've earned.