It's My Own Cheating Heart that Makes Me Cry

It began in May.  And pretty soon, I lost myself completely. I thought I knew who I was, what I stood for - pride and reputation.  I told myself that I would do everything to make the right decisions the first time around. And in just these past few months, it all went to shit.  I lost it all, everything.  Goddamn I feel so low and worthless.  I went halfway across the country and planted roots about this wonderful future I had planned out.  It's not easy, but I manage, I told everyone.  But they have no fucking clue that a part of me has already given up on myself.  I've felt the kiss of death and taken my walk of shame - in secret and silence.  

I am ashamed of this woman I've become, this little girl who runs away.  I cheated on my future, I cheated on myself.  I let myself down in a way I never thought possible.  Today I own up to my faults, no more lies lies lies.  I want to get back on the path I was on since I was 7 years old.  Rebuild what I have lost. But it's too late now, and a big part of me doesn't want to look back. I've made my decision and I'm not taking it back.  I accept it.  At least now I have this angel on my shoulder and a smile on my face.  

The day will come when I'll have to pay my debts.  But today I close my eyes and try to escape...