Between the Shadow and the Soul

You told me once that you don't want to change for anyone, that you want a girl to love you for you.  Don't you already have that?  Don't you see?

I've never been in this situation.  Never felt so tongue tied.  I'm a writer with no words.  Even here, now, I don't know how to explain.  I act like it's no big deal but inside my heart is aching.

I just have one question.  

If I'm willing to do everything in the world to make you happy, why can't you do the same for me?

I'm a Mess, I Confess

Let no love fall victim to circumstance.  Love is this, love is that.  Ya ya ya.  Love is hopelessly hoping.  

My worst crime was thinking you could save me.  You speak too little, I speak too much.  I keep telling myself that the next time I play the field, I'm taking home a writer, a rich one, a smart one.  I'm tired of buying used and spending my life trying to rebuild.  Next time I'll do better.  But really, I know it's a lie.  I just want someone to love me like crazy.

I should be studying right now.  I should be planning my future.  Instead I'm in my bed thinking of you.  All I can think is that if today was my last day, I wouldn't do what I'm doing today.

You love me with all that you have.  You can't hide it.  But even the best you have to give doesn't match what I have to offer.  Your eyes glance down my neck and you touch the necklace you put there.  You're so proud of yourself.  I've sacrificed so much for this moment.  And I give you everything I have.  I continue to make so many fucking sacrifices but I never even mention these things.  Do you see the irony too?

I'm happy outside.  I'm happy inside.  I'm happy deep inside.  Deep deep deep inside?  I'm doomed.

All You Had to Do Was Call

You always have something to say, some smartass bullshit to add.  How about now?  Why aren't you talking? You fucking coward.

I can't sleep anymore.  The insomnia kicks in when I need rest the most.  So I play it back over and over and over again.  I drove an hour to see you and I came with gifts.  It took me 2 hours to get ready to see you, unshaven with dirty sheets.  But I didn't care, I was so fucking happy to see you.  And then I drove half a block from your house and cried for an hour.  They were coming down so hard, I couldn't see.  You didn't come to my rescue.  You didn't hold me tight in your embrace.  You didn't call.  Not the first time.  Just because 'you don't want to talk about it' doesn't mean I've forgotten.  That I could ever forget.  Then and now.

Every moment, every inch we've ever shared.  Was it worth it?  Are you happy now?  My hate grows with every second of silence.  I regret meeting you, choosing you, falling for you.  I want to throw away everything you have given me, everything you have poisoned with your touch.  I'd rather mourn my loss than be your slave.  I'm still crying but I'm not coming back.

One day you'll find those tiny balls of yours and call me back, you will.  And I won't be there to answer.

I Wink to Bring You Near, I Wink to Hide the Tears

Every day we play a game.  I move forward, you step back.  I want to forfeit.  Stop and fast forward to the next scene.  Where's the remote?  Who has the control?

I grew up to my parents hating each other.  Screaming for weeks until the police showed up.  I swore I'd never let myself turn into that.  Never become dependent.  I have and I haven't.  My eyes are open, my heart is free.  I'm broken but I'm still breathing.  I've got a talent for choosing the people who are worst for me.  Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me where I've gone wrong.

Tell me, does your ass get jealous of all the shit that comes out of your mouth?  If only our tongues were made of glass, would you be so careless with your words?  And you can say 'sorry' or 'I love you' a thousand times, but if you can't show it, then your words don't mean a fucking thing.  I don't need magic to disappear when your words make me feel invisible.  And holding onto you any longer only makes me sick.

I have good days and fucking bad one.  Call me T-Rex, I roar and soar.  High and mighty but tomorrow I'll be gone.  I want to be gone.  I want to vanish. 

You don't own me.  No one does.  Back to square one.

Every Man Casts a Shadow

All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality, the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape. -Arthur Christopher Benson

I am passion.  I am fire.  I give everything away.  Craziness is my heaven.  I don't hold back.  Not then, not now.  Wholeheartedly, I am yours.

But every day you lose me more and more and more.  You let me down, you find a new way to do so daily.  I'm not perfect but perfect is what I seek.  For affection and simplicity.  I don't want to change you.  I know that I can't stop the waves.  But when you break me like this, I want to bottle you up and ship you away.  I may be anchored in your love but I am still the captain of this ship.  I want to take the pieces you've broken and give them away for someone else to fix.  The more I try to be happy, the more I suffer.

When my mind wanders, it wanders to you.  You make me happy and sad together.  But in the end, I'm afraid that I want more than you can give.