When you’re young, all you want to do is fit in. Blonde hair pigtails and bright blue eyes. And while my family has been blessed with relative success in recent years, for most of my childhood years, we were poor. So it was all the more reason to be normal, to pretend everything was crystal. Then one day you grow up and you learn what agency feels like. You learn that you aren’t alone, and even if you are, who the fuck cares? It comes in waves, but slowly, you get more and more comfortable in your skin. Then I met Jeff and I just couldn’t believe it. He was too good to be true, honestly. Past, present and future, we were the same. Inseparable, infatuated and in disbelief. If there was ever a God, you are living proof.
Together, we're not normal. We grew up poor, so what? At times, I worked 3 jobs to pay for my college books. At times, Jeff worked from 2AM to 7AM and have to be in school the same day. So what? We've lied about our past, our roots. We've never been completely honest with any single person, not even ourselves. So what? We've had parents treat us like we're nothing, and siblings turn a blind eye. We've been hit and gone hungry. We've seen things no child should see. So what? We've felt abuse and pain and misery. We've seen defeat and disappointment and despair. So what? So what?
Now? We're working through a cloud of guilt. We are our therapists, our mentors and our sole inspiration. I used to hate myself, my actions and my life, where my every choice was crippled by another persons choice. No more. Now we rebuild ourselves and a lifetime of difference will follow.
So we're not normal. We're 23 and own a house. We work together, day and night, at one
of the best companies in town. We're happy and live a life filled with small luxuries only we will ever understand.
It's so important to me that you understand. That you see me even when I'm not there. And so I'll talk and talk until my spirit is lull and there is no sense. You ya you, you understand, right? Right. But comfort isn't enough. Not for me, not anymore. I want sincerity. I want truth. I want it all. I am so full of wounds that when I stand, it's not my legs that give me grief. The truth is that I would rather say less and for it to mean more.
But I can't demur when you've had the same. Together we are a dictionary of heartache and today I only receive what I give. Squint my eyes and think back. Think.
Twice I've been reborn. Once, on the day I realized I didn't need to be a fucking doctor or lawyer or astronaut to save the world. And again when I found you.
We are all weak and in so much pain - it's impossible to leave behind.
There's so much beauty in the broken, but it's so fucking hard to find.
When you fall for someone, it's for all the details. Things you could never expect suddenly take precedent. I don't believe in lovey dovey, I didn't believe in love at all. I'm incapable, and it doesn't exist. But evidently, it wasn't me who was incapable, it was the world that couldn't match it; it does exist because I feel it now. I have you, who moved mountains in hours, not days. You who made me fall in days, not months. You who made everything melt.
And it's for the details that I can't stay away. For in you, I find compassion and passion, empathy and expectation. Your eyes, your smile, the way you lift me and protect me from the world. Your hopes, your dreams, the stories you tell me every night. Your openness, your honesty, your vigilance to not let history repeat itself. Your kindness, your patience, the shelter you provide when no one else does. Your confidence, your prudence, how hard you work to make tomorrow feasible. Your maturity, your youth, the way your voice trembles when you're afraid to admit the truth. Your eagerness, your disbelief, the way you tell me you love me. I can't stop telling you, I could never stop.
I may not know where you came from, or how I got so lucky, but I know 30 years from now where you will be. Living simply, loving purely, with a girl to fill in the gaps of past, present and future.
I stood in the storm for years and told myself I didn't mind.
I closed my purple eyes and left every dream of mine behind.
I'm scared, I'm fucking scared. My everything is full of doubt. My family, my friends, nothing is unconditional. Even love is a temporary contract. The things I want most I have no confidence in. They say I'm not alone but I feel that I am, I know I am. I was dealt a hand I didn't understand. So I ache, I agonize and I'm silent in my ways. I give up, I decorate my own soul in defeat instead of waiting for someone to bring me flowers.
Then you whispered, not into my ear, but into my heart. And then you kissed me, not on my lips, but my soul. Suddenly the ground shook and in you, I found it.
When I'm with you, it's different. I feel strong and capable. I know who I am and that person is worth happiness. I walk beside you and I have everything I need, everything I want. Air in my lungs, love in my eyes, a future I never thought possible. You yourself are unconditional, priceless. And you move me in a delicate manner, to be better, to work harder, to do with hope what I've done for years. To live, not just endure.
You set me free. Like the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. There are no words, I am so utterly grateful.
Dear Ben Covington,
I keep thinking that we'll meet again.
Somewhere in the middle, we'll find each other again.
But we haven't yet.
We may never.
Goodbye again.
Love,
Ashkhen
